My deepest apologies for my recent absence, but to be honest ; I just haven’t had much to blog about. I’ve been finding no motivation to put pen to paper, and haven’t been feeling as motivated and up lifted these days.
I’m beginning to feel a bit naive. I was so optimistic in thinking I could ride out this “runner’s high” like feeling. I embraced this new feeling after finally finding a dosage of lithium that worked for me, accepting my diagnosis, and religiously attending therapy while ingesting and exercising techniques to keep me stable…… Yeah. That only went so far.
To be completely honest. These past two or three weeks I’ve been feeling myself “slipping” again down that deep dark hole with depression lurking at the bottom. But as always lithium saves the day! Acting as my safety net, holding strong, dangling me just out of depressions reach, giving me a chance to climb back up.
I’ve wasted several moments playing through different scenarios in my head these past couple of weeks that may have triggered my set back, but to be honest…. I kind of don’t care. I even skipped a therapy session after waking up deciding I was tired of spending another Saturday on that leather sofa to talking about my feelings, mindfulness, and triggers ; just as I had been doing for months. Then I remembered: with BD there’s time’s there will be triggers and time’s there won’t.
On a brighter note, this is a road I’ve been down before, and I know what I have to do (what works for me) to pull myself out of this. I’m only lucky that this time I’m on my medication, and dedicated, as opposed to the other time’s I’ve been depressed, wrongfully diagnosed and not on any medication (or one’s that only made me worse instead of better).
As I began to journal this entry I was brought back to early September, Labor Day weekend to be exact. In which part of upstate New York was hit with a hurricane, to be followed by a tornado. The hurricane didn’t ravage my home at all, but of course the tornado of all natural disasters was just too tempted. We had probably about eight trees or so come down on our property, had telephone polls knocked down, and power lines ripped from our house. The damage left us speechless, it was like we stepped into of a National Geographic documentary. When the down power lines were no longer active, and we were able to return home to the disaster there was only one thing we could do; clean up. I threw on jeans and my lumberjack shirt, started hauling down branches longer then my accord to the side of the road to be pick up later that day. As I began to hack away at the fallen trees I couldn’t help but realize that I’d found my self lost in a metaphor (it was starting to feel like Wonderland again). I realized that sometimes you look around in life and it seems like all there is is disaster, but with the right tools in hand you begin to hack away. It sure as hell is not going to be easy, that I promise you, but it’s about taking control of the situation, owning your moment, and rebuilding that situation to what you want it to be.
So no need to worry about your blogger. These moments are going to come and go in my life whether I like it or not. The bottom line is I need to learn how to deal with it and find/use what works for me. Although I may have hit a rough patch I am hopeful; I’ve picked myself up, and brushed myself up before. Now watch me do it again!